20 Questions
by Laura W
Summary: An experimental post-Endgame scenario. Probably no new ground is covered here, but possibly not quite in this way. Enjoy.


Note: I was really bored last weekend, and didn't know what to write about. This was a suggestion from lodessa: "How about something along the lines of 'we are stuck somewhere really boring for the next couple days and have to get creative to keep from going stir crazy' scenario?" This was the result, which went from zero to angsty in about five seconds flat. Enjoy.

May 2015

 **20 QUESTIONS**

Your turn.

Ummm…okay. I've got one. Go.

Animal, vegetable, mineral, concept, or place?

Vegetable.

Is it something you wish you had right now?

Yes.

Is it coffee?

I hate you.

Of course you do.

Your turn.

Fire away.

Animal, vegetable, mineral, concept, or place?

Mineral. Sort of.

 _Sort of?_

Yes, 'sort of.' And that counts as a question.

I really hate you.

So you've said.

Is it something you wish you had right now?

Definitely.

Is it…something you had before we wound up here?

Yes.

Is it dry?

Yes.

Dry socks. You're thinking of dry socks.

Kathryn, I think we know each other too well for this game to be as difficult as it's supposed to be. Or as fun.

You may be right. Coffee and dry socks. We are creatures of habit, aren't we?

Apparently we are.

…

How long has it been?

Must be about three hours. How long do you think it'll take Paris to get here?

Four more. Maybe six. The comm was so damaged I had to send the distress call on a low-power frequency. It'll take two more hours for the signal to even get to the _Tyson_. Then they'll have to pinpoint the source, alert HQ, ready a shuttle, navigate the ion storm…

Four more hours.

At least.

…

I think it's your turn, Kathryn.

Okay, go.

Animal, vegetable, mineral, concept, or place?

I guess…mineral.

You guess?

It's such an odd question. "Animal, vegetable, mineral, concept, or place?" What if I'm thinking about a pillow? How would you classify a pillow?

Depends on what it's made of. A cotton pillow would be "vegetable." But I'd say a replicated pillow was "mineral" because most of the component raw material atoms would be classified as inorganic.

What if it was a feather pillow?

With a cotton pillowcase, or a replicated one?

This is a stupid game.

But it _is_ helping to pass the time.

What's your next question?

Were you thinking of a pillow?

No, Chakotay, I was not thinking of a pillow. Not that I wouldn't welcome one right now.

Are you thinking of something _else_ that you'd welcome right now?

Yes.

Are you thinking of a towel?

Yes. Organic or inorganic, I wouldn't even care right now, as long as it was dry.

Dry socks, a dry towel, a pillow, and a cup of coffee. Anything else?

A dry uniform.

I sense a theme here.

…

Has it stopped raining even _once_ in the three hours we've been here?

Nope. Good thing we crashed so near this cave. We'd be soaked by now.

You mean you're _not_ soaked?

Not entirely.

You're kidding.

Nope. I think a few square centimeters of my shorts are still dry.

Lucky you.

Starfleet-issue underwear got you chafed, Admiral?

Have I mentioned how much I hate you?

Once or twice. At least it's not cold.

We have no food.

But we have plenty of water.

Our comms aren't working.

But we have each other to talk to.

Your optimism is relentless, isn't it?

It's one of my better qualities.

That's you, always trying to make the best of the circumstances. No matter who gets hurt.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Kathryn?

It's your turn.

If you've got something to say, Kathryn, just –

Let's just...play the game, all right?

Fine. Okay, go.

Animal, vegetable –

Place.

Place. Um, is it a place you've actually visited?

Yes.

Before or after the Delta Quadrant?

Both.

Recently?

Define "recently."

Within the last…60 days.

No. It was longer ago than that.

Is it on Earth?

No.

Is it…warm and dry?

Definitely.

Is a place that people visit alone?

Not usually.

Did _you_ go there alone?

No.

Is it fun?

Usually.

Was it fun when you were there?

Not especially.

Was that because of who you were –

Kathryn.

It's Risa. You're thinking of Risa. Probably one of the beach resorts. White sand, blue ocean, secluded cabins…

You've put a lot of thought into this.

But Risa is the place, isn't it?

Yes.

Was I right about the beach resort?

What do you want to know, Kathryn?

I already know most of it.

All right, let's hear what you think you know about my trip to Risa with Seven.

It's none of my –

Apparently it is. So let me tell you exactly what happened, Kathryn. Maybe I can clear a few things up for you. Yes, three months after we got back to the Alpha Quadrant, I took Seven to Risa. Yes, we stayed at one of the beach resorts. Yes, there was white sand, a blue ocean, and a cabin near the beach. Turns out the cabin wasn't as secluded as we thought it was, which is why holoimages of the two of us hit the newsfeeds within hours of our arrival. No, we didn't know about the newsfeeds right away, because we were busy doing what people normally do in secluded cabins on Risa.

Chakotay, I don't –

You don't what, Kathryn? You don't want to know? You didn't want to know so damn much that you asked B'Elanna about it?

So _she_ told you.

Yes, she told me. B'Elanna is one of my oldest friends. Of course she told me what was going on. Imagine my shock when she interrupted my vacation to tell me that pretty compromising holoimages of my ex-Borg girlfriend and me were all over the newsfeeds. And imagine, just try to imagine, the position the two of you put me in when I had to explain to Seven why I was so angry that you were upset about it.

I wasn't upset.

That sure as hell wasn't what B'Elanna said.

B'Elanna heard what she wanted to hear.

And I suppose you think she told me what _I_ wanted to hear.

I don't know what she told you, Chakotay, but I was upset that you were embarrassing yourselves.

How could my embarrassing behavior possibly upset you, Kathryn?

You're a member of my crew, and –

Not anymore. You don't have that hold over me anymore. You don't have _any_ hold over me anymore.

Don't I?

No.

Tell, me, Chakotay: If I have no hold over you at all, why were you angry that I called B'Elanna to ask her what the hell you were thinking, taking Seven to Risa? And why, just three months after your little trip to Risa with Seven, why did you request assignment to _Tyson_ 's security detail?

How do you know I requested it? I could have just been…reassigned.

Reassigned from a professorship at the Academy to my security detail on the _Tyson_? Just like that?

It could happen.

Oh, for god's sake.

B'Elanna again?

No, Tom told me. But surely it didn't escape your notice that the _Tyson_ 's Chief Pilot and Chief Engineer both answer to the name of "Lieutenant Commander Paris."

No. It didn't.

So why did you request the assignment?

I wanted to get back to space.

Space. Of course. I suppose that's also why you volunteered to pilot my shuttle over to Xinga for the negotiations this morning.

Kathryn, I –

And why you navigated directly into an ion storm instead of –

Damn it, Kathryn, no. No. I would never put you in danger on purpose, and you know it. So don't even intimate that I –

I'm sorry. You're right.

You went too far.

I did. I'm sorry.

Okay. Good.

…

Chakotay?

What?

May I ask, respectfully and out of sincere curiosity, why you requested assignment to the _Tyson_ , and why you volunteered this morning?

I think you already know the answer to both questions.

If you wanted to talk, why didn't you just ask? Why the subterfuge?

I didn't know…I _don't_ know…where to even begin. Every time I started to call and ask to see you, I just…I stopped myself. I found an excuse to avoid it.

And asking for reassignment?

A way to force myself into it.

And this morning?

Several hours alone in a shuttle. Even if we never got around to the conversation we needed to have, it would be time with you that I didn't have before.

Chakotay…

I miss you, Kathryn. I think I've missed you for a long time, but I didn't realize it until that afternoon on Risa when B'Elanna called and I finally knew what a terrible mistake I was making with Seven.

You hurt her.

I know.

A child, Chakotay, barely half your age, and –

You know, she's only fifteen years younger than I am. She is definitely _not_ a child, and I'm getting really tired of that accusation.

No one making that accusation is referring to your biological ages, and you know it.

I…yes. I do know that. But I also know there's nothing you can say to me about this that I haven't already heard from B'Elanna or Tom or the Doc or Harry. Or Tuvok, for that matter.

Is she all right?

You've probably talked to her more recently than I have, Kathryn. You tell me.

She's all right. Or she will be. But you did hurt her, Chakotay.

I know. I've apologized to her every way I can think of. I want us to be friends. But that's going to be up to her now.

Yes.

…

This rain is relentless.

Can I ask you a question?

Seems to be the theme of the day. Go ahead.

Are you angry with me because of something Seven told you about me?

What makes you think I'm angry with you?

I may be slow, but I'm not stupid. It wasn't just my own cowardice that made me request this assignment.

You wanted to force my hand, too.

Yes.

I haven't been avoiding you, if that's what you're saying.

Haven't you?

Not consciously, anyway.

Because of something Seven said?

No. Oddly enough, even given how you hurt her, she has nothing but good things to say about you. She says that through all of this, until that day on Risa, you were kind and considerate. You were patient with her, and never tried to push her into anything she wasn't ready for.

But?

But…She really believed you loved her.

You don't think I did?

I don't know, Chakotay. But _she_ doesn't think you did. And I think, more than anything, that's what devastated her.

What about you?

Me?

Are you so angry with me because you think I didn't love her, and I just led her on?

Not angry.

No?

No.

Then…?

Confused.

Why is that confusing?

I thought you… It never occurred to me that you could…be with someone in that way and not love her. But it should have. After all those years on _Voyager_ , it should have.

Yes.

And it confused me that I'd apparently…built up this image of you that was so far from reality, when I stepped back and looked at it objectively, I didn't even recognize it.

No.

I had…idealized you. I had put you on a pedestal.

And I wasn't worthy.

No. And that made me so angry. Not with you, but with myself for being so blind.

It's a harsh realization, isn't it, Kathryn? That the person you…you care about so deeply isn't quite the person you thought they were.

It hurts.

Like hell. Yes, it does.

Does it ever stop?

Not in my experience, no.

…

I'm sorry, Kathryn. For everything.

I know. It's all right.

Is it?

No.

Will it be?

I don't know.

…

How long?

Three more hours, probably.

But they've gotten the signal by now?

Yes. They should have.

So Paris is probably on his way.

Yes.

I wish it would stop raining.

Are your shorts finally wet?

Soaked.

…

Kathryn?

Yes?

Do you know what hurts even more than realizing the person you care about isn't as perfect as you thought?

What?

Realizing you're in love with her anyway, and because of that, you're no good for anyone else.

Chakotay…

That's what I wanted to tell you, Kathryn. That's the reason for all the subterfuge. I requested reassignment and volunteered this morning in the hopes that I could finally tell you that I'm still in love with you. Still and always. I tried to forget. I tried to put it behind me and move on, but I can't. I'm not sure I ever will. Those seven years on _Voyager_...they were the best and worst years of my life, all because of you.

Chakotay, please.

No, let me finish. I fell hard for you, Kathryn, right from the start. You had my respect from the second you destroyed the Array. You had my loyalty when you made B'Elanna your Chief Engineer. But you had my heart…you had my heart when you stepped between Paris and me on the Bridge. The steel in your eyes, the snap in your voice…they calmed me down. At first I thought I was just responding to your authority, the way I was trained to do. But later I knew it wasn't Starfleet training that took the fight out of me. It was you. No one has ever had that effect on me. It scared me at first, but I felt I could trust you because of it. I _wanted_ to trust you. It had been a long time since I had trusted anyone or anything, but I wanted to put my trust in you, because it felt right. It felt _good_. You had my heart from the beginning, whether you wanted it or not. You still do.

I'm sorry, Chakotay.

That's it, then. Isn't it?

…

Chakotay?

I think the rain is letting up.

Chakotay.

It'll be dark soon. Maybe I can find something dry enough to build a fire in here. If we move a little closer to the cave mouth, the smoke probably won't get to us.

Chakotay, please.

I'll be back in an hour, no more. I'll just –

Sit down.

Kathryn, we don't have to continue this.

I think we do. Sit down.

Look, there's nothing you can say to me right now that won't hurt like hell, so it's probably better if I just…take a walk and try to clear my head. I don't want to still be this…distraught when Paris gets here.

Sit down, now, Chakotay, and listen.

I really don't –

I love you. I love you, and I'm _in love_ with you, and I'm as confused as hell about all of this. But if you don't sit down and _listen_ to me, I may become a lot less confused very quickly.

Okay, I'm sitting.

I always knew you were a smart man.

…

Kathryn?

I'm not sure where to start.

You said you were in love with me. _Are_ in love with me.

Yes.

When did you know?

When I realized that in Admiral Janeway's timeline, you were gone. Dead and buried. The way she looked at you…

I have a confession to make.

Okay.

The way she looked at me… It made me realize I was still in love with you, too.

Why didn't you say anything?

I really wasn't sure how you'd respond. We were so… _fractured_ , Kathryn. We had both changed so much over the years. I didn't know what you'd say to me. I was afraid…

That I'd reject you.

Yes.

But Seven wouldn't.

No. I was such a coward.

Yes. But so was I.

…

Can I ask you one more question?

If you say, "Animal, vegetable, or mineral…"

When did you start loving me?

I'm not sure. I knew I had the _potential_ to fall for you very early on.

How early?

In my Ready Room, on the day you introduced me to my spirit guide. You were so…delighted to share your beliefs with me. I hadn't seen that in you yet. I had only seen the soldier in you, the tactician and the rebel. I hadn't seen that side of you, that…philosophical side. You suddenly became a much more complex and intriguing person to me, more than your personnel record, more than your intelligence file from HQ. You became…Chakotay. Not just First Officer Chakotay, or Commander Chakotay. Chakotay, the man. I wasn't prepared for that.

You are still the only person to have seen anything in my medicine bundle.

Not even Seven?

No. She wasn't interested. I have never forgotten that you were. It only made me…

What?

It made me love you even more. From that day on…I never felt lost. In your presence, I never will. No matter what happens between us, or doesn't happen, when I'm with you, I'm found. I'm _known._ To someone like me, that's… It's everything.

…

You took my hand.

I remember.

You placed it on the _akoonah_.

Your hand was so small in mine.

But you were so gentle with it. With _me_. I was startled. First by your touch, and then by how softly you held my hand in yours, and placed it on the device. I thought… _Such a big man, but so tender_.

Kathryn…

I've never forgotten that. Over the years we've touched, we've leaned on each other, we've…sheltered each other. But that's the moment I've always remembered. That first touch. That was the moment.

That you fell?

That I knew I _could_ fall.

How did that make you feel?

Truly? _Terrified_. Guilty, confused, and _terrified_.

And how do you feel now, Kathryn?

Exhilarated. Still terrified, but exhilarated.

Me, too.

I do love you. I've loved you for years.

I can't put into words how that makes me feel, Kathryn.

I'm sorry it took us so long to get to this point.

Don't be. Everything that's happened made this moment possible. I think that because we've had to work to get here, we'll appreciate it more.

We won't take it for granted.

No. Never. I love you, Kathryn. So much. For so long.

We'll make this work.

Yes. No matter what it takes, we will.

…

Look. It's stopped raining.

How long have we got?

Probably two more hours.

Whose turn is it?

I don't remember anymore.

Okay, my turn. You have twenty questions. Go.

Chakotay –

I'll give you the first one. It's a place.

I don't think –

It's warm and dry, it's not on Earth, and we've both been there, but never together.

You want to go together?

Yes, as soon as we get back.

To the beach?

No, I think I'm done with beaches for a while. But a little bird tells me there are mountain resorts. Much more secluded, much more private and discreet.

A little bird.

A couple of little birds, actually.

You've already made the reservations, haven't you?

Tom took care of it for me just before the shuttle departed this morning.

You were that sure of how this would turn out?

Honestly, no. But I hoped.

There's that relentless optimism again.

It's what you've always loved about me.

You are incredible.

Kathryn, you have no idea.

Not yet. But soon I will.

Yes. You most definitely will.

-END-


End file.
